Lifecycles

Having a baby

Mazal tov. Here is what happens Jewishly in the first weeks — the Bris on the eighth day, the naming of a daughter, pidyon haben at thirty-one days — and who to call for each.

• The first phone call
• A bris, on the eighth day
• Naming a daughter
• Choosing a Hebrew name
• Pidyon haben, at thirty-one days
• And then, at three
• Who to call, and what it costs

The first phone call

If you have had a boy, make it early. The Bris is on the eighth day, the eighth day arrives quickly, and a mohel’s calendar is not infinitely elastic. Call 408-910-2034 from the hospital if you like — people do, and it is not an imposition. Tell us the date and, if it was near sunset, the time of birth. We will connect you with a mohel and help with the room, the food and the people.

If you have had a girl there is no eight-day clock, but there is still a reason to call in the first days: the naming happens at the Torah, the Torah is read on particular mornings, and it is nicer to plan which one than to discover you missed three.

A bris, on the eighth day

Brit milah — the covenant of circumcision — goes back to Abraham, and it is the oldest continuous practice the Jewish people has. It is performed on the eighth day of a boy’s life by a mohel: someone trained both in the medical procedure and in the halacha that governs it. The two are not separable, which is why a Bris is not simply a circumcision performed by a doctor, and why a circumcision done in hospital on day two does not fulfill the Mitzvah.

The count starts on the day of birth, and the Jewish day starts at nightfall. That single fact is responsible for most of the confusion about dates, so give the mohel the birth time and let him work it out.

A bris on its proper eighth day is held on that day even if it is Shabbat. A bris that has been delayed — for the baby’s health, or after a Caesarean birth — is not. And a delay for health is not a concession: if the baby is jaundiced, underweight, or the pediatrician is not happy, the Bris waits until he is well, and the eighth day gives way without a second thought.

What actually happens at one

It is shorter than almost everyone expects. Ten minutes of ceremony, and then a meal.

A chair is set aside and left empty — the chair of Elijah, who is said to attend every Bris. The baby is carried in, usually by a couple honored as kvatter and kvatterin; being asked is a real honor and there is nothing to prepare for it. He is placed briefly on Elijah’s chair, then held during the circumcision by the sandak, the person given the day’s central honor, often a grandfather. The mohel performs the circumcision. The father says a blessing about bringing his son into the covenant of Abraham, and everyone in the room answers with the line that is said at every Bris: as he has entered the covenant, so may he enter Torah, marriage, and a life of good deeds.

Then a blessing over wine, and the baby’s Hebrew name is announced — this is the moment he receives it. He gets a drop of the wine. He cries, briefly, and settles faster than the adults do. Someone will already be putting out food.

The meal afterwards is a seudat Mitzvah: part of the day rather than a reception bolted onto it. It does not have to be elaborate. Bagels and herring at nine in the morning is a completely traditional Bris.

Parents worry about the crying, and about watching. Both are normal. Nobody minds if a parent steps out of the room, and nobody will notice.

Naming a daughter

A girl receives her name in Shul, when her father is called up to the Torah and a mi shebeirach is recited for mother and daughter with the baby’s name said aloud. The Torah is read on Monday and Thursday mornings, on Shabbat, on Rosh Chodesh and on festivals, and the custom is to name at the first reading the family can reasonably get to after the birth. There is no deadline, and no eight-day pressure; some families come as soon as the mother is up to it, others wait a few weeks so that relatives can travel.

Families very often follow it with a Kiddush or a brunch, and sponsoring the kiddush that Shabbat is the standard way to do it: the whole community eats, the name is announced, and a room full of people who have never met your daughter says mazal tov.

You will also hear the term simchat bat, and in some communities it means a ceremony held at home with readings and blessings. That is a custom of recent generations rather than a halachic requirement. Chabad practice is the naming at the Torah, and a celebration around it as large or small as you like.

Choosing a Hebrew name

A Hebrew name is not a decorative second name. It is the name a person is called to the Torah by, the name on their ketubah, the name used when the community prays for them if they are ill, and the name on their grave. Chassidic teaching goes further and treats the name as the channel through which a soul is bound to a body — which is one reason parents are told to take the choice seriously and are also told, firmly, not to agonise over it.

The Ashkenazi custom that Chabad follows is to name a child after a relative who has died, most often a grandparent or great-grandparent, and not to name after a living relative. Sephardic families do the opposite and name after the living, honoring a grandparent who is present to hear it. Neither is a mistake; they are two customs, and a family follows the one it comes from. In a marriage joining the two, ask.

A few practical notes. A child can carry more than one Hebrew name. The Hebrew name and the English name do not have to match, though many families like them to echo each other. If nobody in the family has a name you want to use, choosing one you love is entirely legitimate. And if you are stuck between two, that is a good conversation to have with a rabbi rather than a decision to make at 3am.

If you are an adult who never received a Hebrew name, or you do not know what yours was, that is fixable and common. Ask, and it can be sorted out.

Pidyon haben, at thirty-one days

Pidyon haben — redemption of the firstborn — applies to a boy who is his mother’s first child, born in the ordinary way, in a family that is not kohen or levi on either side. It comes from the Torah’s claim on the firstborn, and the ceremony is the father redeeming his son from that claim by giving five silver coins to a kohen.

It happens on the thirty-first day of the baby’s life, and is postponed to the following day if the thirty-first falls on Shabbat or a festival. The ceremony itself takes about five minutes: a short exchange between the father and the kohen, two blessings, and the coins handed over. Then, as with everything else in this list, a meal.

The conditions are narrow enough that most families do not have one, and people are often surprised in both directions. If you think it might apply, ask rather than assume — and if you are an adult who never had one and should have, you can do it for yourself. That happens more often than you would think.

And then, at three

Two more markers arrive before school does. A boy’s first haircut, the upsherin, is held on his third Hebrew birthday, and is the day he begins wearing a kippah and tzitzit and learning his first letters. Girls begin lighting a Shabbat candle of their own at three, alongside their mother. Both are customs rather than obligations, and both are lovely, and the office will help you mark either.

Who to call, and what it costs

Call the office on 408-910-2034, or send a message. We will connect you with a mohel, help you find a kohen for a pidyon haben, arrange the Shul for a naming, and help with the food and the room — here, or at your home, whichever suits.

No family has ever been turned away over what a mohel charges. If cost is a worry, say so on the phone. It will be handled quietly and it will not change how you are treated.

A checklist for the first weeks

Tick things off as you go. The ticks stay on this device only. Anything you cannot answer, leave for the call.

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